From two years ago, shortly after my sister had died. And now this year, my brother is gone as well.
One Day Closer to Spring
I didn’t put up a Christmas tree this year until Christmas Eve. My sister had just died, and Christmas was HER holiday. What was the point? But realizing what a grinch I was, I followed the Big Guy’s lead as he put the decorations on the tree by himself. I put a few on myself, feeling small and mean to deprive him of those lovely lights.
A number of years ago, in an act of laziness or spite, I’m not sure which, I lost or threw away all the ornaments I’d collected over the decades. I think I was cleanly madly, that rush to clean at the holidays, and just tossed things…including the old ornaments. Grinch indeed.
Come to think of it, I’d often resist anything holiday-like, for it just reminded me of decades of horrible holidays spent wishing they could be over quickly.
But it is Valentine’s Day today, and the sunlight is returning. We always make sure the lights are down, the ornaments down by this time! But this year, I hesitated.
And the grief hit me big time, big angry loud crying, because Christmas wasn’t just my sister’s holiday, it was her entire season, from November to February sometimes, and if I put away the holiday things, that means she’s really gone.
She is really gone. My only sister is dead, having died in my (former) favorite month of October. Right before the lights go out and we are plunged into the dozen dark weeks.
I’ve put away half the ornaments now, carefully wrapped the more expensive ones and the few remaining older ones I didn’t toss. I need to remove what’s left of my mascara and fix up my blotchy face so I can go out and enjoy a great valentine’s day dinner with my husband.
The sun is bright today, gorgeous sunshine on new snow. It’s lovely. And I keep thinking, I’m so sorry, sister, I’m so sorry you are gone, I’m sorry how you died, I am sorry for all the pain you had. I am just so sorry, and I miss you so much.
But I am going out to dinner tonight, and I will enjoy my time with my husband. I will raise a toast to my sister, maybe a red wine to honor the day, our love for her, as we watch the sun go down just a bit later today than yesterday, one day closer to spring.
Thanks for reading.